the flirt
I’m a flirt. I know it. My friends know it. You only have to talk to me for about three minutes and you’ll know it too.
I’m an indiscriminate flirt. I flirt with men I am interested in, grandmothers and little girls. No one is safe from my wide-eyed attentions. But I’m also a careful flirt in that I refuse to bat my eyes to get what I want from someone. No. I don’t do that. For me, it's just a harmless form of communication.
I was reading a book recently where the main character, a married man, kept saying that it was fine to flirt with other women. Healthy. He drove the point home by flirting with other women in front of his wife. I couldn’t tell if the character really believed flirting is fine, or was just hammering the point home over and over again to indicate that he knows it’s wrong, and he’s trying to convince himself otherwise. It got me thinking. Thinking about flirting with someone else, when you’re in a long term relationship.
I ran a poll on the blog, fully aware that a lot of the blog’s readers are men. A fact that I always find surprising, since in addition to posting news and gossip about the region, I also post a lot of really random blogs about my life. Those are the most popular; I get the most comments and emails from readers on them. Again, from men. Who understand a lot more than we give them credit for, and in my experience are often the more sensitive of the sexes. The fairer sex, if you will.
The poll’s question was this: If you’re married or in a long term relationship, is it ok to flirt?
Flirting Poll Results:
I say yes, my partner says no, so I don’t do it. 0%
I think it’s harmless, yes I flirt! 29%
No, it’s not ok. It opens the door for other stuff. 14%
No, it’s not ok. It disrespects my partner. 55% +
Your responses indicate that most of you think that it’s disrespectful to flirt with someone else when you’re in a long term relationship or married.
Given the fact that a lot of this blog's readers seem to be men, the answers surprised me. I expected a lot of people (read: men) to say it was perfectly harmless to flirt.
I was also surprised by the number of people who differentiated between flirting as a prerequisite to “other stuff” happening and being disrespectful. Surprised, because in my own experience, this has been next to impossible to try to explain to someone else (read: men; women have complete understanding of this concept).
Where am I in the poll? I’m in the “it’s terribly disrespectful to your partner” camp.
Sorry, guys.
I know I should be all “it’s great-and healthy-and fun,” but I just can’t get on board with that. When I’m in a relationship, I don’t “see” anyone else. Literally. I get so wrapped up in the person I am with that attractive men are like West Chester; nice to look at but I wouldn’t want to live there. And if I am with someone who flirts with someone else in front of me, it makes me mad. Actually it hurts my feelings, but I’m a stubborn cuss and instead of crying I’ll feel the white-hot burn of a thousand suns. So will you, if you’re the unlucky flirter.
No, I don’t think you are going to cheat, just because you are flirting. Please. But it’s disrespectful. Very. Disrespectful. The woman you are flirting with thinks your partner is a schmuck for putting up with you. We know that they think we are schmucks and it upsets us. That’s the real problem.
But I’ll go out on a limb and say if you’re in a long term relationship and you’re recklessly flirting with whoever strikes your fancy that may not be the real problem at all.
I asked some of my friends for their input on why someone in a long-term relationship flirts with other people. This is what they gave me:
I’m an indiscriminate flirt. I flirt with men I am interested in, grandmothers and little girls. No one is safe from my wide-eyed attentions. But I’m also a careful flirt in that I refuse to bat my eyes to get what I want from someone. No. I don’t do that. For me, it's just a harmless form of communication.
I was reading a book recently where the main character, a married man, kept saying that it was fine to flirt with other women. Healthy. He drove the point home by flirting with other women in front of his wife. I couldn’t tell if the character really believed flirting is fine, or was just hammering the point home over and over again to indicate that he knows it’s wrong, and he’s trying to convince himself otherwise. It got me thinking. Thinking about flirting with someone else, when you’re in a long term relationship.
I ran a poll on the blog, fully aware that a lot of the blog’s readers are men. A fact that I always find surprising, since in addition to posting news and gossip about the region, I also post a lot of really random blogs about my life. Those are the most popular; I get the most comments and emails from readers on them. Again, from men. Who understand a lot more than we give them credit for, and in my experience are often the more sensitive of the sexes. The fairer sex, if you will.
The poll’s question was this: If you’re married or in a long term relationship, is it ok to flirt?
Flirting Poll Results:
I say yes, my partner says no, so I don’t do it. 0%
I think it’s harmless, yes I flirt! 29%
No, it’s not ok. It opens the door for other stuff. 14%
No, it’s not ok. It disrespects my partner. 55% +
Your responses indicate that most of you think that it’s disrespectful to flirt with someone else when you’re in a long term relationship or married.
Given the fact that a lot of this blog's readers seem to be men, the answers surprised me. I expected a lot of people (read: men) to say it was perfectly harmless to flirt.
I was also surprised by the number of people who differentiated between flirting as a prerequisite to “other stuff” happening and being disrespectful. Surprised, because in my own experience, this has been next to impossible to try to explain to someone else (read: men; women have complete understanding of this concept).
Where am I in the poll? I’m in the “it’s terribly disrespectful to your partner” camp.
Sorry, guys.
I know I should be all “it’s great-and healthy-and fun,” but I just can’t get on board with that. When I’m in a relationship, I don’t “see” anyone else. Literally. I get so wrapped up in the person I am with that attractive men are like West Chester; nice to look at but I wouldn’t want to live there. And if I am with someone who flirts with someone else in front of me, it makes me mad. Actually it hurts my feelings, but I’m a stubborn cuss and instead of crying I’ll feel the white-hot burn of a thousand suns. So will you, if you’re the unlucky flirter.
No, I don’t think you are going to cheat, just because you are flirting. Please. But it’s disrespectful. Very. Disrespectful. The woman you are flirting with thinks your partner is a schmuck for putting up with you. We know that they think we are schmucks and it upsets us. That’s the real problem.
But I’ll go out on a limb and say if you’re in a long term relationship and you’re recklessly flirting with whoever strikes your fancy that may not be the real problem at all.
I asked some of my friends for their input on why someone in a long-term relationship flirts with other people. This is what they gave me:
- Flirting with other people when you’re in a relationship is often a sign of insecurity. Your way of showing the world, I could do better, if I really wanted to. See how many people want me? Sure, my husband or wife might be kind of average-looking, but I’m a stud / vixen and still attractive to others. Relationship flirters need to know that they still have “it.”
- Flirting with someone else may, subconsciously, be a way of trying to hurt the one you are with. Woah. That one came from a really good guy friend in California and it is way too deep for me to get into. But I thought it was interesting to think about.
- Flirting may also be a way to try and make your partner jealous. To fire things up in an otherwise lackluster bedroom department. Fire up the dead embers of a once bright flame. You get the idea.
- They may just need the attention.
- And in some cases, they’re “fishing” flirters. The cheaters are pretty obvious. It’s the “I’m only kidding around if you are” flirters that bother me the most. It’s a careful pause after a comment that was slightly too risqué, a moment where the flirtee has an option; to respond in kind or, in my case, to pretend like I didn’t get the joke.
It would be disrespectful to do otherwise.
OK, OK, now go ahead and leave a bunch of comments telling me I’m uptight, judgmental and that you’d never THINK of cheating; flirting is just “healthy” and “fun” for everyone involved. It has nothing to do with how unhappy you are… right?
And the next time we meet try to come up with some other topic of conversation than how your wife/girlfriend/significant other’s out of town for the weekend. Or how lonely and misunderstood you are.
And definitely do not “accidentally” graze my butt while you impart this exciting piece of news.
Comments
Within a committed relationship, one has another set of responsibilities. First of all, it is incumbent upon both parties to know and be sensitive to how their partner feels about their flirting. Secondly, one absolutely must take into account how their flirting behavior makes their partner look.
Now, there are a lot of motivations and drivers that can be caught up in why someone flirts. My view is that if it's not about making yourself and someone else feel good and attractive (or interesting), then it's probably something you shouldn't be doing, at all.
Now, if you're flirting for the right reasons, then you really need to know how your partner will react. Some absolutely freak, while others are a little insecure and still others feel it's fine and fun. Usually, the latter only happens when both partners are very secure and fulfilled in the relationship. If you're a flirter you'd better be making sure your partner gets all the love he or she needs--that is if you want to remain a flirter and in a relationship.
Another key is to remember that flirting can appear to be an act of disrespect towards your partner or worse, slimy. Both reflect poorly on you and your partner. One must carefully take steps to remain within the bounds of obviously innocent flirtation. That means, never going "too far" or getting too ribald or lingering too long. Basically, if you feel like you'd have to justify yourself, you've already gone too far. Another key is to never ignore or abandon your partner while flirting. Your first duty is to your partner, not only in reality, but in the eyes of well-bred people around you. If you don't look after him or her, then you have no business flirting.
Now, by my age, I've probably made about every flirting error one can, but I still can make more. It's tricky stuff. Still, my wife and I do flirt, and we have fun with it. I don't believe either of us has made each other feel bad and I rarely (I hope :O ) embarrass myself or appear disrespectful. Then again, maybe it just works despite my screw-ups because it's clear that my partner is my priority both to her and those around us.
And, all in all, I guess that's what it's all about. If you're all about some objective standard of "flirting is OK/not OK" then you're missing the point. When in a relationship, your partner's feelings and needs and interests are the defining context. The guidance comes from within the relationship, not from some external standard. As I think about it, it's probably not a bad way to go with regard to a lot of the stuff we choose to do.
I feel like I am often a target for philanderers... And they are clearly not flirting for fun, but for a purpose. It's made me wary. And very disillusioned.
I think I have made mistakes in this area too, but live and learn... And hopefully experience growth along the way.
:) lisa
I used to do that, too--when I was 15...I grew out of it. I think some men think that they are obligated, regardless of their status, to try to make some time with any attractive woman and that it's the responsibility of their targets to say "no". It's childish and unethical, really--or at least irresponsible in the extreme.
I have learned to try to make sure that it is clear that the flirting is NOT meant to go anywhere, particularly with people who might reasonably think that I could have ulterior motives. Now, I can think of more than one instance in the past when the "well was poisoned" before I got there, and I've seen that narrow-eyed look that tells me that I shouldn't flirt. Alas, there's nothing to be said, and the only way to make it clear that the flirt truly was innocent is to just back off and away, which is a pity.
What you have experienced is all too common. It's a violation of your (and many many other people's) goodwill. Frankly, it ruins it for the rest of us. ;) It also makes a lot of the "anti-flirting" bias a lot more understandable.
But I'm still not giving up flirting unless I'm informed that it's no longer something that I'm good at. :O I think it can be a joy, though now I'm thinking that even more care has to be used.
In other words, you're probably fine.
We're way too serious today. I'm going to post something funny to lighten things up.
In other words, you're probably fine.
We're way too serious today. I'm going to post something funny to lighten things up.
Within a committed relationship, one has another set of responsibilities. First of all, it is incumbent upon both parties to know and be sensitive to how their partner feels about their flirting. Secondly, one absolutely must take into account how their flirting behavior makes their partner look.
Now, there are a lot of motivations and drivers that can be caught up in why someone flirts. My view is that if it's not about making yourself and someone else feel good and attractive (or interesting), then it's probably something you shouldn't be doing, at all.
Now, if you're flirting for the right reasons, then you really need to know how your partner will react. Some absolutely freak, while others are a little insecure and still others feel it's fine and fun. Usually, the latter only happens when both partners are very secure and fulfilled in the relationship. If you're a flirter you'd better be making sure your partner gets all the love he or she needs--that is if you want to remain a flirter and in a relationship.
Another key is to remember that flirting can appear to be an act of disrespect towards your partner or worse, slimy. Both reflect poorly on you and your partner. One must carefully take steps to remain within the bounds of obviously innocent flirtation. That means, never going "too far" or getting too ribald or lingering too long. Basically, if you feel like you'd have to justify yourself, you've already gone too far. Another key is to never ignore or abandon your partner while flirting. Your first duty is to your partner, not only in reality, but in the eyes of well-bred people around you. If you don't look after him or her, then you have no business flirting.
Now, by my age, I've probably made about every flirting error one can, but I still can make more. It's tricky stuff. Still, my wife and I do flirt, and we have fun with it. I don't believe either of us has made each other feel bad and I rarely (I hope :O ) embarrass myself or appear disrespectful. Then again, maybe it just works despite my screw-ups because it's clear that my partner is my priority both to her and those around us.
And, all in all, I guess that's what it's all about. If you're all about some objective standard of "flirting is OK/not OK" then you're missing the point. When in a relationship, your partner's feelings and needs and interests are the defining context. The guidance comes from within the relationship, not from some external standard. As I think about it, it's probably not a bad way to go with regard to a lot of the stuff we choose to do.