cycle of submission

We are taught to be subservient.

From a young age, you were told to obey. By your parents. Teachers. Adults of any sort.

Sit up straight. Wash your hands. Raise your hand. Answer me.

As adults, we learn about an even more powerful form of submission. Survival. Working. Paying the bills. Being deferential to a client. Passive. Passing for something we are not just to make a buck. It's brutal, really. But unless you want to starve, you will work. You will obey.

My friend Jay hates the subservience. He often calls and talk about the noises he hears while we are on the phone. The noises that indicate that our calls are being monitored. The noises that force us to censor our conversations. I've tried to hear the noises. I never could. He tried to educate me. Explain the conspiracies. Of which there are many, according to him. Everything from why he can't hold a job to why we are at war. The government is responsible for more than I realized.

And we've found even more ways to be meek when we grow up. Obeying a spouse. Subjugating yourself to the needs of a loved one. You think that when you're an adult that you'll conquer the submission. Become assertive. But more often, you find yourself compromising. Just for now. But when does "now" give way to a life filled with regret?

Your family influences you and makes you obedient, too. So do your friends. If you stop compromising, you might lose everything. Or so we've been taught. We accept that we are powerless to change our lives. Without ever questioning the loss of power, or working for change. Asserting ourselves.

When does the cycle of submission stop? I'd like to think that I can reverse the cycle. I think for myself. I act on my own selfish needs. I follow my own schedule and live and love as it pleases me. I know I won't regret my choices. I don't believe in regrets. Because I don't have to. There's nothing to regret. The cycle stops with me.

And yet. And yet. Am I too docile? I know I let people railroad me. A people-pleaser. A push-over. Handing over money when I don't want to spend. Giving and not receiving. Saying yes when I want to say no. Going down, when I'd rather stay up.

The number one word I hear people use to describe me is "sweet." But am I truly a kind-hearted person? Or am I just obeying the rules?