the jerk
Everyone’s a jerk sometimes.
A reader emailed me a while back talking about his bad old days, when he didn’t always treat women with the same respect he has for them today. It’s probably a lot more complicated or much simpler than that one sentence but that gives you the gist. And I’ve received a lot of similar emails from male readers since then.
For some reason, me boo-hooing about the jerks that I run into seems to be making some of the male blog readers a little itchy under the collar; the blog posts hit a little too close to home. Apparently, this sort of topic speaks to some men very personally. Its one thing to treat a woman in a way that you know is a little shabby. Woo her for months and then stop speaking to her without explanation. Hang around until something better comes along, or until you get bored.
It’s another thing to read how really hurtful that can be to someone.
If it’s any comfort, I’ve been a jerk, too. I got a little weepy-drinky around friends one night and blurted out that I’d sometimes been kind of mean in high school. “So was everybody, Lisa,” my dear friends responded. “It was high school.” Whew. I was worried I was branded as the blonde bitch for life. Don’t get me wrong; I wasn’t pathological, I was just a run of the mill moody as hell teenager.
These days, having experienced a lot of life experience and personal growth, I’m more “classic moody.”
On a few occasions, when I liked someone a lot, I got shut down. Plainly, those men didn’t like me as much as I liked them. There’s someone else they’d rather spend their time with. The stars weren’t on my side. Dreams didn’t come true. Something just didn’t work out. It’s puzzling. And maybe I’ll never know what really happened. Maybe they were just jerks. I don’t know. But I can also tell you, when it’s someone who likes me a whole, whole lot and that like is not reciprocated equally on my end, I haven’t always been the nicest person, either. Refer to me not answering my phone for proof.
Before you boys engage in a full-on self-flagellation, remember: It takes two. Two people who consciously decide that they are going to spend their time together, and if one person is unhappy, feeling unloved or unfulfilled, it’s always their choice to leave. I’m sorry, but it really is that simple. And it works both ways.
I am fed up with people telling me they have to stay with so and so for some reason other than love. Please. I hate to tell you, if you’re unhappy, lightning flash, chances are your partner is not exactly on cloud 9, either. I don’t think its right to string someone along. But if you’re not making promises you don’t plan to keep, well. You probably haven’t done too much damage.
And people can behave differently with different people. I truly, truly believe that. You may cheat on one person (jerk) and be attracted enough to/in love with the next person to never risk fooling around with another man/woman again (not a jerk). I do really believe that. It all has to do with finding the right person for you.
The jerks have tested my faith in humankind, though, I will tell you that. My dad was just visiting and we enjoyed the last warm night on the porch together. “I always believe in the good in people,” he said to me. “Always. If I don’t see it at first, then I keep looking until I find it.”
Sound familiar?
I didn’t even know where I got that trait.
I told him that I think a lot of people are just jerks. And I don’t know if I believe in the innate goodness in everyone anymore.
But I’m trying. I have to. I choose to think a lot of the “jerks” that have come into my life are just extremely misguided people. A little lost, and trying to find their way. And I’m sorry for them, that they didn’t get the chance to really get to know me. That’s their loss.
That’s what really makes someone a jerk.
A reader emailed me a while back talking about his bad old days, when he didn’t always treat women with the same respect he has for them today. It’s probably a lot more complicated or much simpler than that one sentence but that gives you the gist. And I’ve received a lot of similar emails from male readers since then.
For some reason, me boo-hooing about the jerks that I run into seems to be making some of the male blog readers a little itchy under the collar; the blog posts hit a little too close to home. Apparently, this sort of topic speaks to some men very personally. Its one thing to treat a woman in a way that you know is a little shabby. Woo her for months and then stop speaking to her without explanation. Hang around until something better comes along, or until you get bored.
It’s another thing to read how really hurtful that can be to someone.
If it’s any comfort, I’ve been a jerk, too. I got a little weepy-drinky around friends one night and blurted out that I’d sometimes been kind of mean in high school. “So was everybody, Lisa,” my dear friends responded. “It was high school.” Whew. I was worried I was branded as the blonde bitch for life. Don’t get me wrong; I wasn’t pathological, I was just a run of the mill moody as hell teenager.
These days, having experienced a lot of life experience and personal growth, I’m more “classic moody.”
On a few occasions, when I liked someone a lot, I got shut down. Plainly, those men didn’t like me as much as I liked them. There’s someone else they’d rather spend their time with. The stars weren’t on my side. Dreams didn’t come true. Something just didn’t work out. It’s puzzling. And maybe I’ll never know what really happened. Maybe they were just jerks. I don’t know. But I can also tell you, when it’s someone who likes me a whole, whole lot and that like is not reciprocated equally on my end, I haven’t always been the nicest person, either. Refer to me not answering my phone for proof.
Before you boys engage in a full-on self-flagellation, remember: It takes two. Two people who consciously decide that they are going to spend their time together, and if one person is unhappy, feeling unloved or unfulfilled, it’s always their choice to leave. I’m sorry, but it really is that simple. And it works both ways.
I am fed up with people telling me they have to stay with so and so for some reason other than love. Please. I hate to tell you, if you’re unhappy, lightning flash, chances are your partner is not exactly on cloud 9, either. I don’t think its right to string someone along. But if you’re not making promises you don’t plan to keep, well. You probably haven’t done too much damage.
And people can behave differently with different people. I truly, truly believe that. You may cheat on one person (jerk) and be attracted enough to/in love with the next person to never risk fooling around with another man/woman again (not a jerk). I do really believe that. It all has to do with finding the right person for you.
The jerks have tested my faith in humankind, though, I will tell you that. My dad was just visiting and we enjoyed the last warm night on the porch together. “I always believe in the good in people,” he said to me. “Always. If I don’t see it at first, then I keep looking until I find it.”
Sound familiar?
I didn’t even know where I got that trait.
I told him that I think a lot of people are just jerks. And I don’t know if I believe in the innate goodness in everyone anymore.
But I’m trying. I have to. I choose to think a lot of the “jerks” that have come into my life are just extremely misguided people. A little lost, and trying to find their way. And I’m sorry for them, that they didn’t get the chance to really get to know me. That’s their loss.
That’s what really makes someone a jerk.
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