Saturday, November 24, 2007

wishful thinking

I know that I talk a good game, but don’t be fooled, readers. Despite my talk of cheating husbands, drinking ex’s and the rest of it, I’m an easy mark. I’m known for giving people a second chance. Even a third. Probably more.

When it comes right down to it, I’m very Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm. Yes, I’ve been through a lot. I could have let it break me. But I guess, in some ways, I’m just like my optimistic dad: I believe in the goodness of people. And I only have to spend a little time around people who are truly convinced that only bad exists to be reminded of this.

My crush has hurt my little heart a half dozen times this year. I don’t think that it’s intentional. I hope it isn’t intentional. But, somehow, I keep getting caught in the crossfire. Actually, it’s not “somehow.” It’s more like I keep writing him off and moving on and he keeps coming back. It’s been going on for almost a year. But do I think he’s a bad person? No. I think he’s just very confused. It doesn’t make me hateful. Mostly, it just makes me sad.

Some of the women I know will tell you, all men lie. That floors me. I grew up with a half-dozen men in the house who for the most part are too truthful. Their raw honesty gets me really hacked off sometimes. And it’s the same thing with my many guy friends. The idea that one gender is responsible for everything’s that wrong with the world, well. I just can’t get on board with that.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I guess I always have. Sometimes, though, you run across people who will tell you that’s just what people tell themselves to feel better about their lives. Ouch. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Because I also know that if you radiate negativity, believe the future is flat and that nothing good will ever happen to you, well, you’re probably right. Nothing good will ever happen. You won’t allow it to happen.

I’m a generally happy person. And maybe, as my friends always tell me, I’m too trusting. I’m too forgiving. I should try to develop a hard shell to protect myself from the bad people. Or at least a thin veneer to act as my shield. But... I know that I’d rather have my heart broken 100 times than to start believing that people are just bad. I really would. Because there’s always that hope.

I will continue to go through life thinking that things will work out for the best. On their own, or with my help. I don’t know how it will all work out. But I do know, as the good things keep happening, that I’m welcoming them with open arms.

Because I knew it would work out for the best. I knew it all along.