heart monitor

Lately I’ve been ruminating a lot about potential love interests and how things often go terribly awry. No matter how much time goes by, I feel like I’ve learned very little about human beings. I don’t understand what motivates some people to act like they do. And I don’t understand why I am so often a target for people who are wrong for me.

It's the same maddening situation that I find myself in again and again. Going back and forth with someone who tells me over and over I want to be with you. So, so much. I think about you all the time. I miss you. Then, when I finally, finally, let my guard down, take a deep breath and say, OK. Let’s do this, often, the (paraphrased) response I get is: Eh.

In other words, after all the pursuit, the refusal to let me move on and the continued attempts to maintain a connection with me- even when I try to break from them- when I finally acquiesce, he coyly sidesteps me in a way that leaves me feeling rebuffed- and remorseful.

Is this my fault? Because I’m left wondering, if I would have said yes months ago, would things have worked out differently? I have to protect myself. I don’t want to get hurt. So I’m careful. About who I trust. Who I let in. Who I care about, too.

But what can you do when you find someone who makes you want to break all of your self-imposed rules?

I’m known for being a very private person. That might seem funny to regular blog readers. But trust me- there’s a whole lot I’m not telling you. I so very rarely let people really get to know me. And when I do, I’m often disappointed. There just seems to be so little regard for how I feel.

If you let someone take a look into your heart, do they take a part of it with them when they go?

And how can you get it back?

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