lost and found
One of my guy friends was recently complaining to me and repeating a kvetch I’ve heard many times before. He was telling me how his friend Jeff had virtually dropped him, and everyone else he knew, after Jeff got married. I was amazed… but only that my friend was so surprised.
This happens a lot when friends and family members find new relationships. And it’s as it should be. Couples need time to, well, be a couple. And often, once married life begins, someone who wasn’t all that social to begin with finds their niche in a quiet home life.
It’s easy to blame the other person, and for some reason this often falls on the wife, who’s somehow perceived as the culprit for hubby’s absence by friends and family. As if she cast some strange spell, hypnotizing him into becoming a hermit. What no one really wants to admit is that their friend (in this case, Jeff) probably just doesn’t want to make the effort to hang out with his friends.
I’ve lost a couple of friends who got married. In one case, a woman who talked about nothing but her desire to get married finally got engaged. I wasn’t angry at her for being absent, but after some unreturned phone calls, I figured she’d call me when she had time and let it go. I only heard from her one other time, when I missed her bridal shower and she called to tell me where she was registered. That one was a write off.
For all of my other married friends, it hasn’t presented a problem. If anything, we’re closer than ever before. I spend time with the couple, and sometimes get one on one time with my friend. It works.
When we’re in a relationship and blissed out with happiness, we often don’t have time to see friends… call friends… or email them. In other words, you can lay all the blame you want on the wife. But it takes two really happy people to draw the blinds and turn off the phone.
And like I told my friend, you should be glad your married friends are so happy. I know it can be frustrating. But the couples I know who actively spend time trying to avoid each other, and who have plenty of time to hang out with friends, also seem to be the ones who chat openly about their deep-seated unhappiness in their marriage. It’s a sad thing. And it’s not what you want for your friends.
Yes, there should be a balance. Your married friends will find it. There are plenty of dynamic, happy, loving couples who really welcome the intrusion of friends.
It just takes time.
This happens a lot when friends and family members find new relationships. And it’s as it should be. Couples need time to, well, be a couple. And often, once married life begins, someone who wasn’t all that social to begin with finds their niche in a quiet home life.
It’s easy to blame the other person, and for some reason this often falls on the wife, who’s somehow perceived as the culprit for hubby’s absence by friends and family. As if she cast some strange spell, hypnotizing him into becoming a hermit. What no one really wants to admit is that their friend (in this case, Jeff) probably just doesn’t want to make the effort to hang out with his friends.
I’ve lost a couple of friends who got married. In one case, a woman who talked about nothing but her desire to get married finally got engaged. I wasn’t angry at her for being absent, but after some unreturned phone calls, I figured she’d call me when she had time and let it go. I only heard from her one other time, when I missed her bridal shower and she called to tell me where she was registered. That one was a write off.
For all of my other married friends, it hasn’t presented a problem. If anything, we’re closer than ever before. I spend time with the couple, and sometimes get one on one time with my friend. It works.
When we’re in a relationship and blissed out with happiness, we often don’t have time to see friends… call friends… or email them. In other words, you can lay all the blame you want on the wife. But it takes two really happy people to draw the blinds and turn off the phone.
And like I told my friend, you should be glad your married friends are so happy. I know it can be frustrating. But the couples I know who actively spend time trying to avoid each other, and who have plenty of time to hang out with friends, also seem to be the ones who chat openly about their deep-seated unhappiness in their marriage. It’s a sad thing. And it’s not what you want for your friends.
Yes, there should be a balance. Your married friends will find it. There are plenty of dynamic, happy, loving couples who really welcome the intrusion of friends.
It just takes time.
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