almost cut my hair


For a long time, I wore my hair long. Really long, well past the middle of my back. I loved that I got compliments from friends, coworkers and complete strangers in women’s restrooms. But more importantly, I loved how much it meant to my ex-boyfriend.

“Never, ever cut your hair,” he’d lovingly say, digging his hand into my scalp, twirling strands around his fingers. Visiting friends headed home after dinner and almost immediately I heard, “I can’t believe she did that to her hair. You’ll never cut your hair, right babe?”

Right.

So I stuck it out. For a long time, I wore barrettes, chip clips, ponytail holders and even braided my hair when it was just too much trouble to comb it and dry it before work. And even after we parted ways, I kept my hair long. I felt like Samson, worrying that if I lost my long hair, I’d lose all of my powers too.

A few years ago I didn’t like where my life was going. I knew, just knew that to reclaim my life I needed to make a lot of big changes. Big scary changes.

To mark the occasion, I decided to cut my hair. Because at some point, long hair is no longer fashionable… it’s just that same old style you’re hanging on to like everything else that drags you down. I cut my hair because Samson or not, I needed to change my energy.

Still, I started slow. I wanted to see if anything would change proportionate to the amount of hair that I let go. Nothing changed. And I still wear little barrettes and a flippy ponytail when the mood strikes me. If anything, people seemed to like my short hair more. For the most part.

I saw my ex not too long ago. He needed a ride from the airport so I picked him up. I could see his eyes nervously running along my hairline to my shoulders the whole time I was driving. He was distracted, cracking his knuckles and providing clipped answers to my questions about his trip. When I dropped him off, he finally said what I knew had been on his mind the whole time:

“You cut your hair.” Yes.

“You really… cut it all off.” Yup.

“So, do you… like it?”

Men always use hair to pull your head up or to push your head down.

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