maybe I do, maybe I don’t
All of my friends know that it’s pretty easy to talk me into doing things. Typical conversation between Lisa and a friend:
Cheryl: “Let’s go here and do this.”
Me: “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
Cheryl: “Come on. You know you want to.”
Me: “No! No way am I doing that.”
Cheryl: “Come on, Lisa.”
Me: “Oh… Okay.”
The thing is, most of the time I want to do whatever it was that I was asked to do in the first place.
I just feel like I shouldn’t want to do it.
I want to not want to do it.
You know?
Letting go of old habits… It’s hard. It’s the one thing about growing up that has been a struggle for me. If you knew me in person you’d think I was cool and collected. Well. If you didn’t know me very well that’s what you’d probably think. My friends know better. They know too much.
Over the years, I’ve usually ended up doing the “right” thing. And I love the idea that I might be living my life by example today. I really do want to do that. But sometimes, being an adult, and doing the right thing, just feels so… cumbersome. Like the coat I have to shrug on to walk to my car. I’ll take it off again as soon as I get behind the wheel. Otherwise it makes me crazy. It just gets in the way. But for a few moments, I have to have it on my shoulders. That’s how I feel about being grown up sometimes.
And I don’t want to relive my teenage years. Like most kids, when I was in high school I wanted nothing more than to grow up. I’m comfortable in my skin. More so than in my teens or my 20’s, yes, I’m just in a really good place now. Cheryl and I were talking about that over dinner this weekend- just being this age, in this place of discovery and wonderment, forever.
But growth is important. Increasing your base of knowledge. Continuing to change and learn and to try new things. Not becoming complacent. Learning to let go of old habits. But sometimes, when it comes to growing up, it feels like you’re giving up, too.
I hate that.
Cheryl: “Let’s go here and do this.”
Me: “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
Cheryl: “Come on. You know you want to.”
Me: “No! No way am I doing that.”
Cheryl: “Come on, Lisa.”
Me: “Oh… Okay.”
The thing is, most of the time I want to do whatever it was that I was asked to do in the first place.
I just feel like I shouldn’t want to do it.
I want to not want to do it.
You know?
Letting go of old habits… It’s hard. It’s the one thing about growing up that has been a struggle for me. If you knew me in person you’d think I was cool and collected. Well. If you didn’t know me very well that’s what you’d probably think. My friends know better. They know too much.
Over the years, I’ve usually ended up doing the “right” thing. And I love the idea that I might be living my life by example today. I really do want to do that. But sometimes, being an adult, and doing the right thing, just feels so… cumbersome. Like the coat I have to shrug on to walk to my car. I’ll take it off again as soon as I get behind the wheel. Otherwise it makes me crazy. It just gets in the way. But for a few moments, I have to have it on my shoulders. That’s how I feel about being grown up sometimes.
And I don’t want to relive my teenage years. Like most kids, when I was in high school I wanted nothing more than to grow up. I’m comfortable in my skin. More so than in my teens or my 20’s, yes, I’m just in a really good place now. Cheryl and I were talking about that over dinner this weekend- just being this age, in this place of discovery and wonderment, forever.
But growth is important. Increasing your base of knowledge. Continuing to change and learn and to try new things. Not becoming complacent. Learning to let go of old habits. But sometimes, when it comes to growing up, it feels like you’re giving up, too.
I hate that.
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