the memo
To: My faithful employees
From: Your Benevolent CEO
Re: Best Practices, Core Competencies, Integrated Solutions and Action Items for the New Year
Dear Employees:
Well, another year has gone by and it’s been a good one.
I’d like to take this time to recognize some people who really stood out this year and unfortunately, point out the few who proved to be a huge, huge disappointment to me:
A big thanks to Jerry, Mike and Randall- I know that the infinite, interminable meetings in the product marketing department that never resulted in anything “productive” (heh, heh) certainly made my weeks go by faster!
And once again, we spent more time on project management than on projects. Building instead of buying proved to be a decision that sunk us. For the fourth year in a row (coincidentally, the fourth year since we started using Project Managers), no project was actually completed and we wasted hundreds of thousands of dollars. Bravo!
For those of you (Kelly, John and Reg) who utilized jealousy, infighting and back-stabbing to get ahead: I applaud you. For those of you (Mary and Chris) who remained apolitical throughout all of the drama that ensued (Way to spend more time in the break room and less time on the phones, customer service!), I encourage you to look to your brethren for advice on the proper way to conduct yourself in the office.
As a reminder this holiday season, please, keep the cube decorations to a minimum. We don’t want you to “labor” (haw-haw) under any sort of pretension other than that you are at work. In your gray hole, toiling away from morning til night, you’re mine. Mine! And I don’t want to see anything that smacks of a life outside of work.
Before you head off for the holidays, we have some good news and some bad news to tell you. If we don’t start cutting w-a-a-a-y back, we may have to (gulp!) start leasing our jet. Or (shudder) sell the Lear and start flying… commercial. I’m sure you can see just how hard that would be on my third wife and our precious three-year old twins.
The bad news is that 80% of you will be laid by off by the New Year. As I’m sure you know, times are tough for American-based businesses. But the good news is that moving most of our operations to another land will save us three million in the first year alone. Really, and I know you agree, it’s just the best thing for all of us.
Merry Christmas!
From: Your Benevolent CEO
Re: Best Practices, Core Competencies, Integrated Solutions and Action Items for the New Year
Dear Employees:
Well, another year has gone by and it’s been a good one.
I’d like to take this time to recognize some people who really stood out this year and unfortunately, point out the few who proved to be a huge, huge disappointment to me:
A big thanks to Jerry, Mike and Randall- I know that the infinite, interminable meetings in the product marketing department that never resulted in anything “productive” (heh, heh) certainly made my weeks go by faster!
And once again, we spent more time on project management than on projects. Building instead of buying proved to be a decision that sunk us. For the fourth year in a row (coincidentally, the fourth year since we started using Project Managers), no project was actually completed and we wasted hundreds of thousands of dollars. Bravo!
For those of you (Kelly, John and Reg) who utilized jealousy, infighting and back-stabbing to get ahead: I applaud you. For those of you (Mary and Chris) who remained apolitical throughout all of the drama that ensued (Way to spend more time in the break room and less time on the phones, customer service!), I encourage you to look to your brethren for advice on the proper way to conduct yourself in the office.
As a reminder this holiday season, please, keep the cube decorations to a minimum. We don’t want you to “labor” (haw-haw) under any sort of pretension other than that you are at work. In your gray hole, toiling away from morning til night, you’re mine. Mine! And I don’t want to see anything that smacks of a life outside of work.
Before you head off for the holidays, we have some good news and some bad news to tell you. If we don’t start cutting w-a-a-a-y back, we may have to (gulp!) start leasing our jet. Or (shudder) sell the Lear and start flying… commercial. I’m sure you can see just how hard that would be on my third wife and our precious three-year old twins.
The bad news is that 80% of you will be laid by off by the New Year. As I’m sure you know, times are tough for American-based businesses. But the good news is that moving most of our operations to another land will save us three million in the first year alone. Really, and I know you agree, it’s just the best thing for all of us.
Merry Christmas!
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