the simple life

A while ago, I wrote about dating someone who wasn’t…exactly an intellectual, who didn’t really…challenge me, but who was just fun. Really fun, in the way that I’m fun, laughing and silly and crazy and fun. That isn’t me all the time, but it is definitely a part of who I am.

I was amazed by how my friends felt that the whole relationship was a big waste of my time. As if everyone I date is in contention for some sort of relationship title. That if I don’t remain focused, on whatever it is that I am supposed to be looking for, I’m going to end up unhappy, unfulfilled and ultimately, alone.

And it’s not that I want to waste my time or anyone else’s time by hanging out with someone whom I know won’t be around for the long haul. I am, in fact, a long-term relationship person, someone who is most comfortable being with someone that I love, trust and who I feel honored to be with- and who feels the same about me. It’s just that sometimes, I don’t want more from a relationship.

I want less.

Relationships take time. They take work. They take effort. They involve discussing feelings. Communicating. Thinking about how your actions will affect someone else and ultimately, changing the way in which you live your life to ensure that whatever it is that you are doing at any given time doesn’t negatively impact that other person.

As someone who veers from being entirely social to entirely alone (often not answering my phone for weeks on end, then moving into a never-ending stream of text messages, parties and happy hours), I have often been (rightfully) accused of breaking any one of 1,000 relationship rules. And the whole process wears me down sometimes. Even thinking about starting a new relationship depresses me. Sometimes, I just can’t face starting over.

I don’t know why or how it is that every relationship ultimately seems to deteriorate into a complete breakdown in communication. It amazes me how months and months into a relationship I can look at someone and feel like I don’t know them at all. Like I never knew them, really.

And the funny thing is, I know I’ve been duped before. I have been in the middle of a long-term relationship and sat bewildered, listening to my significant other tell me, “Well I lied about that. I wanted you to go out with me so I just made it up.”

I mean, how could I have not seen that one coming? And what am I supposed to do a year into it all, when I find about a lie? At that point, I’m too invested to just walk.

I have to wonder if, like my friends would tell you, I’m not doing enough research to find the right person before the relationship begins. I should be staying focused and manifesting what I want from this other person. Because you would think, if I knew everything going in, that I might be a little smarter about whom I love. About whom I allow into my life.

But even if I were smarter. Even if I did the research and went into a new relationship wide-eyed, intent on what I want and prepared for anything:

Can I choose love? Or will it still choose me?